


(I am) Nothing and Everything

by angylinni



Series: Finding Home [1]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:35:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angylinni/pseuds/angylinni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss Everdeen comes back to the small town in Pennsylvania that she left fifteen years ago and the boy she left behind. That saying, you can't go home again isn't really true, is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No ordinary love

**Author's Note:**

> So, I knew this was going to happen, I've been reading so many AU's that my brain is percolating like mad. The muse is a fickle bitch and when she doles out the goodies, I need to write what I'm given. I realize that I'll probably make a lot of people mad with my characterization of Gale in this, but dammit he appeared in my head just like I wrote him and pretty much demanded I drop everything and get this down on paper. Not sure where it's going, it started life as me wanting to write angsty, angry sex between Katniss and Peeta and then suddenly developed a plot. 
> 
> I also realize that it's slightly hypocritical to repost after I pulled it in a snit, but so many people have asked that it be put up again that I decided to archive it here once more. Thank you to the many people that sent messages, emails and pm's, they meant the world to me. Part of the joy of writing is sharing with others and I hope you love this version of Katniss and Peeta as much as I do.

Katniss felt his eyes on her and it made the knot of tension coiling at the base of her spine tighten. His eyes were always on her and normally she could just tune it out, but for some reason, today, it irritated her beyond belief. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he stared, only that it made her feel hot and prickly, like her skin didn't fit right. Short and almost flat-chested, with slim hips and lean legs from running track for so many years, she dresses simply, keeping her long, dark hair in a braid. She has grey eyes that stare out on a world that confuses the hell out of her and only uses a bit of lipgloss on her thin lips. She wouldn't have the slightest clue how to even apply anything else, not since her parents died five years ago, leaving her and Prim alone in the world. She's not pretty, not like the insipid blondes that normally hang all over him with their big boobs and perfectly coiffed hair and jeans that don't come from Wal-Mart or Goodwill. She's never been good at anything normal girls are good at. Small talk was beyond her and she could care less about the celebrities that the others talked about all the freaking time. Between her after school job, school and taking care of her sister, she was barely hanging on.  She can’t understand why he stares at her all the time, unless it’s become some sort of game, to see if she’ll break and actually speak to her.

He was leaning against the wall, staring at her over the top of Glimmer Mitchell's head, paying no attention to whatever it is the blonde girl was spouting with such devotion. His attention was wholly focused on her, standing in front of the bank of lockers just like she did every morning.  Katniss jumped as fingers tickled her waist. Spinning around, she stared up into Gale Hawthorne's grinning face. He was really made up today - thick black eyeliner, spiky hair tipped with blue and hot pink and so many earrings his ears look like one solid piece of metal. The jeans he was wearing were so tight you could tell what religion he was and the black t- shirt barely hid the tattoos that covered his upper arms. "Something's got your panties in a twist," he said, winking. "Is it Mellark?"

Katniss rolled her eyes and shoved hard against his chest. "Shut up," she said firmly, folding her arms over her chest.

"C'mon, you gotta admit he's hot, even if he's a jock" Gale said, eyes darting to where Peeta stood, winking at the other boy as their eyes met. Peeta flushed and dropped his gaze, but Gale watched as he returned it just as quickly to where Katniss stood next to him.

Katniss snorted under her breath. "Like you have a chance, he's straighter than a ruler."

Gale shrugged, dropping his gaze back to her face once more. "A guy can dream, right?"

"I guess," she said, glancing back over her shoulder. Peeta's bluer than blue eyes met hers and she felt the beginnings of a blush creep up her cheeks. "Dammit," she snarled under her breath, kicking Gale when he laughed at her.

 "Honey, that boy has it so bad for you, even Glimmer can see it," he said, laughing and pointing over her shoulder.

Katniss turned around fully to stare at what Gale was pointing at. Glimmer was glaring over at her, her Cupid's bow mouth pulling into a tight, angry line. Katniss shrugged and rolled her eyes before turning around to face Gale once more. "Whatever, like I care what she thinks."

"We both know you don't give a shit what she thinks, but Mellark, he's a different story, right Catnip?"

"I thought I told you to quit calling me that," Katniss snapped.

"Since when do I do what you tell me?"

"Is it your life's mission to be the world's biggest prick?"

"Is it your life's mission to eye fuck Mellark across every space you happen to share?" Gale shook his head in disgust. "Just talk to him and get it over with for fuck's sake! You two are worse than a closeted politician with a bondage fantasy. You want him; he wants you, what the hell is the holdup?"

"Would you kindly shut up?" Katniss snapped, stalking away from him to her locker, spinning the dial angrily.

Gale followed her, leaning against the locker next to hers. "You do want him, right?" he said softly, staring at her.

She bit her lip, fingers slowing on the dial. "I shouldn't…"

Gale shook his head, playing with the end of her braid. "Why not?"

Her eyes lifted to his and she sighed. "He's…" Her gaze dropped back to her locker. "Everything I'm not."

"And?" Gale asked, snorting as she slapped his hand away from her hair. "If that's what's holding you back Catnip, you're even worse than I thought." He turned to glance over to where Peeta still stood, leaning against the row of lockers across from them. "He's been staring at you for the past four years; don't you think it's time to take a chance?"

She shook her head, finally hitting the combination and jerking the locker open. "That's exactly why I shouldn't," she said, shoving books out of the way angrily as she searched for her English textbook. "He's done nothing but stare. Don't you think if he really was interested, he'd have at least said something to me - especially now when we're graduating?"

"You aren't exactly the most approachable girl in the world, Catnip," Gale said.

She sighed and pulled out the book she was searching for, slapping the locker shut. "Maybe so." Their eyes locked once more and she knew hers are filled with emotions she refused to let spill out. "But maybe he realizes that girls from the Seam aren't exactly what he should be bringing home to Mama either." Gale grabbed her arm but she shook him off, ducking her head and darting out into the crowded hallway.

 

~*~

 

**_Fifteen Years Later_ **

 

Katniss sighed as the rain poured down even heavier. If she didn't have bad luck, she'd have no luck at all. Turning, she dug into her purse, pulling out her cell. The signal was weak, barely one bar. "Of course," she said, rolling her eyes. The phone vibrated, a quacking sound coming from the speaker.  She pushed the send button, launching the speaker. "Hey Prim."

"Hey big sis, how's the drive going?" The line was full of static, and she could barely hear her sister's soft voice.

"I just got a flat, ten miles outside of town, on state route 211."

"Oh Katniss, did you call Triple A?"

Prim's worried voice filled the tiny car and Katniss sighed. "Was just going to when you called." As soon as she got the words out, the signal died, leaving her stranded and alone with no service and a flat tire at least ten miles outside of town and the nearest help. She rolled her eyes heavenward. "Is this your way of telling me that coming back here was a bad idea? Because I'm really starting to get that feeling."

A loud crack of lightning speared the ground a few feet away from her and the resulting thunder shook the car. She jumped so high that she banged her head on the top of the car. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open and stepped out into the torrential downpour. The rain soaked through her jacket and shirt in the time it took her to get to the trunk, the uplifted hatch barely offering any protection as she rooted around, trying to get the damn jack loose from its slot in the sidewall. It finally came free, nearly sending her tumbling to the ground as she pulled back with all of her weight.

Sluicing her hair back up off her face, she resolutely unscrewed the bolt holding the spare down, rain slicked fingers slipping more than gripping the wing nut as she tried to spin it. Headlights pierced the dank gloominess and she turned around, squinting as a truck pulled up behind her, the driver distorted behind the rain slick windshield. A guy, she thought as she turned back around, uneasiness prickling along her nerves and settling hollowly in her stomach. She continued watching out of the corner of her eye, her fingers curled around the tire iron as the door opened and he stepped out of the car, holding a small umbrella over his head that was ripped from his hands the second the door shut behind him. Her heart clenched as she saw the blond curls. _No, it couldn't be_.

"Dammit." The curse word floated to her over the wind and it made her smile for some reason. Should've realized that an umbrella was useless, the rain coming down so hard and the wind blowing everything to kingdom come.

 He walked up beside her and her gaze lifted, her breath freezing in her chest as impossibly blue eyes met her own.   _Fucking universe, really? What the hell have I done to make my karma this bad?_ Scratch that, she knew what she'd done. _But really, it's not enough you send a hurricane to Pennsylvania the first time in five years that I've been back, but now this?_

"Katniss?"

She blinked water out of her eyes and nodded, gaze dropping back to the tire and the useless nut that refused to budge. Her fingers slowly uncurled from the tire iron and she clasped them together, wringing them nervously in front of her. He bent closer, one hand pulling the hatch down a bit to offer a little more protection from the wind. His dark blue henley was soaked through and she tried not to notice how it stretched across a chest that was so much wider than the last time she'd seen him. Her gaze dropped to the ground, inadvertently skimming along the thick lines of his thighs, heavy with muscle encased in tight jeans as they braced against the wind that felt like it was going to send her flying. Damp heat speared through her and her stomach fluttered with what felt like a million butterflies. Damn him, couldn't he have been bald and fat like jocks were supposed to be fifteen years after high school? Five years ago he hadn't been nearly this fit, but then again, she hadn't been as bruised and soul-weary either.

His hand rose, settled lightly on her wrist, drawing her attention once more. "What happened?"

"I got a flat," she said woodenly, desperately trying to ignore the frenzied thumping of her pulse as it reacted to his touch. "I'm trying to change it."

She watched him shake his head, eyes darting over the swelling river to the right of the car, about half a foot higher than it normally was. "We'll never get it done in time, the bridge is just about to wash out, and we need to get out of here!" He tugged on her arm lightly. "Get in the truck; we'll come back for your car tomorrow after this blows through."

Katniss shook his hand off. "I can't, everything I own is in here," she snapped, reaching for the nut once more.

"Grab what you can, but you're coming with me if I have to pick you up and toss you over my shoulder. This road is about to be under about six feet of swollen river."

She turned her head to glare at him, eyes narrowed. "Who asked you to be my savior?"

Peeta Mellark smiled at her with the same lopsided smile she remembered from the very first time she'd seen him and every time in between. Time fell away and her life flashed before her eyes in a rapid fire dance. That smile was the one constant in her life, no matter what she'd done, or how hard she'd pushed him away, he always had that same smile for her when he saw her again and it killed her, cracking into the stone she'd encased her heart in after the last time she'd left him. She could barely hear him over the rising wind. "Hurricane Johanna, apparently." He reached into the hatch for the two suitcases she'd pushed out of the way to get to the tire. "C'mon, my house isn't far, I have a generator and a pantry full of food."

She watched as he turned around to walk to the back of the Sequoia he'd been driving, opening the back and tossing her bags in. He peered around the back as he shut the door. "Katniss, come on!"

With a muttered curse, she slammed the hatch down and stomped over to the driver's side door, jerking it open and reaching in to grab her purse, phone and charger. If he had a generator, she'd be able to charge the phone and maybe get a signal to let Prim know where she was. A honk startled her and she nearly banged her head on the roof of the car. Backing out of the car, she slammed the door and pressed the alarm on the key fob, even though the damn thing'd probably be washed away by the stupid hurricane. Whatever, it was a rental and she had copious amounts of insurance.  Stomping back to where the car idled, she jerked open the door, climbing awkwardly into the big leather seat. She was miserably wet and the heat blowing full force in her face was a welcome distraction as she shoved her phone and charger into the sopping leather of her purse before tucking it down by her feet.  She could feel his eyes on her as she slid the seat belt across her body, fastening it and it took her back to high school in an instant, her skin feeling about four sizes too small as heat spread across her chest and bloomed underneath her olive skin. Anger bubbled hot and heady and she whipped her head to the side, glaring at him. "Why are you staring at me?" she snarled, fingers curling tightly into fists at her side.

His eyes widened and he jerked his gaze away, throwing the car into gear and pulling out into the downpour. "I'm sorry," he muttered, leaning over the wheel as he peered out into the gloom, trying to keep the vehicle's tires on the rain slicked road. "It's not every day that I run into someone I thought long gone."

She rolled her eyes and lifted her hands to her hair, trying to braid the sodden mass back away from her face. _Like you even wanted to see me again_.

He glanced at her again quickly before returning his eyes to the road again. "There's a towel on the back seat."

"Thanks," she muttered as she turned around as far as the seat belt would allow her. The towel was just out of her reach and she sighed, shaking her head. Peeta's long arm slid beneath her, brushing against her body as he pulled the towel close enough for her to reach before returning to the wheel, fighting against the surging river that had begun spilling over the road. Her body sang with his touch, inadvertent as it was. Her brain may not be ready for reunion part whatever, but her body certainly was.

"I'm just up ahead, as I'm sure you remember, and you can get into some dry clothes," he said with another quick glance at her. Heat bloomed everywhere his eyes landed and she crossed her legs uncomfortably, her sodden jeans feeling about twenty pounds heavier than when she'd put them on this morning.

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, looking at him but trying not to make it obvious. His hair was still just as curly as it'd been back in high school, flopping over his forehead in fat, messy waves. His jaw line was so delineated, it made her want to run her fingers along it and feel the hint of darker blond stubble that covered it. Big hands gripped the steering wheel and her thighs clenched together as she traced slowly over them with her eyes. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply; trying to find the calm that she'd perfected over the past few years in therapy, but it was elusive and she was knew without a doubt that had everything to do with the man sitting next to her. Her eyes opened again and she laughed silently. It was strange to think of him as a man, but clearly that's what he was. He was always just Peeta to her, the man that owned her body and soul. He'd aged just as she had; only the last few years seemed to have been a bit kinder to him than they were to her. Her grey hairs were well hidden beneath the layers of hair above her ears, but it still pissed her off that they were even there. She looked for a ring, or even the telltale tan line, but his fingers were as smooth as they'd been when she used to watch him in Algebra, wondering what exactly it would feel like to have them ghosting over her skin.

He looked at her, darting his gaze between her face and the road and a fiery blush stomped across her cheeks as she realized that he'd spoken to her and she had absolutely no fucking idea what he said. A wide grin stretched his face as he became conscious that she'd been staring at him and her blush got impossibly hotter, stabbing prickly fingers down across her chest. "What did you say?" She sputtered, kicking herself for having been caught not paying attention.

"I asked what brought you back here?  The last I heard from you, you were never coming back."

She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "I needed a change and Haymitch told me about the job here. I'm the new teacher at the high school."

His head turned, eyes appraising her. His brow was raised and she could almost hear the question that was forming before it tumbled from his lips. "Phys ed and music," she said preemptively.

"Oh yeah, I'd heard that Old Man Abernathy'd retired," he said, jerking his gaze back to the road as a particularly vicious undertow grabbed the vehicle and it began sliding towards the raging creek.

"Yeah, and of course I decide to move during the only freaking ass hurricane to hit western PA in the last twenty-five years," she said, fingers curling around the armrest as he fought the wheel, skillfully managing to get them back into the center of the road.

"You don't watch the news?" His eyes never left the road as he spoke, for which she was eternally grateful. Given the way her luck was running, the creek was going to be the winner in this battle eventually.

"Been out of the country, digging wells in the Sudan," she said softly. "I just flew in this morning and picked up my car in Pittsburgh. Stupid girl behind the counter didn't even warn me that I'd be driving straight into the teeth of this thing."

Peeta's shoulders tensed as the wheel spun to the left, his hands gripping so tightly the knuckles turned white. "Probably thought you realized and were going to take the risk anyway, since you didn't cancel the reservation."

"Surely I don't look that stupid, do I?" The second the words were out of her mouth, she could've kicked herself. _Way to make yourself look like an ass Katniss!_

He risked a quick glance at her, a faint blush staining his cheeks. "No, you don't look stupid, Katniss."

She remembered the last time he'd said those very same words to her and her cheeks burned with heat. Cripes she'd fucked up her life but good. If Gale could see her now, he'd be laughing his ass off. He was the one that told her she'd never get Peeta Mellark out from underneath her skin, despite how far and fast she ran. There were some things that just were and apparently the two of them together was one of them.

He'd told her that again just before she'd left Paris for the last time, and even though she'd known he was right, she couldn't bring herself to admit the truth. It certainly was slapping her in the face now though. Being in the car with him, breathing the same air, knowing he most likely hated her for what she'd done. Guilt stabbed at her hard and she closed her eyes as she felt tears pricking at her eyes. This was her penance, her cross to bear for what she'd done and she shouldered it gladly, welcoming the weight as she'd done for the past five years.

Peeta fought the wheel a bit more, the darkness falling rapidly around them like a funeral shroud, cutting off everything but the thin beams of the headlights bouncing off the rain slicked road. The rain was coming down even harder, making it almost impossible to see out of the windshield any longer. Katniss glanced at Peeta's strong profile, unsure how he was even keeping the big vehicle on the road, let alone knowing where to turn when he spun the wheel hard and turned into a rutted, water filled lane. She could barely make out the tall house on the hill at the end of the long, meandering drive. He shifted the truck into lower gear, the tires digging deep into the mud and muck, climbing the twisting road slowly. The house got larger and larger in the windshield and he finally pulled to a stop in a large, paved driveway.

Throwing the truck in park, he turned to face her. "Power's out, so I'll have to go around the back and open the door manually. Stay here, we don't both need to get any wetter." He opened the door and stepped out into the storm before she could even blink, darting quickly around to the garage door at the back of the house.

Katniss shivered, wrapping her arms around herself as she stared out into the darkness beyond the reach of the car's lights. Trees surrounded them on all sides and she could hear the roar of the creek over the gently idling engine. This was one nasty fucking storm and if he hadn't been there... No, she couldn't go there, she refused.  If therapy had taught her anything, it was that she couldn't play the _what if_ game, it would only destroy the hard won sanity that she'd finally been able to embrace.

The garage door slid up, drawing her attention. Peeta stood illuminated in the headlights, watching her through the glass. His eyes squinted for a second and then he dashed back out to the driver's side, opening the door and slipping inside quickly. He shook his head like a dog and water flew everywhere. The grin he gave her made the angry retort she had ready die on her lips and her thighs clench tightly together as heady desire spun leisurely through her body, teasing along her nerve endings and leaving her feeling restless and hungry. The guilt was still there, it was her constant companion, but it was slowly being edged out by a hunger she hadn't felt in five years. Their eyes locked for a brief moment and her stomach swooped and tumbled as butterflies danced along her veins.

Peeta pulled the truck into the garage and hopped out, going around the back to open the hatch and grab her bags. Katniss watched him in the rearview until their eyes met and she dropped her gaze, reaching for her purse before opening the door, cheeks heating with a flush she couldn't control. She stepped out of the truck and onto the cement floor of the garage, looking around slowly.

"Here," Peeta said, coming up next to her just as the lights went out, plunging them into nearly absolute darkness. His hand found her arm as he clicked on the flashlight he held in one hand. "Sorry bout that," he said, giving her a sheepish grin. Katniss looked up and nearly drowned in the deep blue of his eyes, memories flooding her.

The first time she'd stared up into his eyes like that had been fifteen years ago and they'd been on the back deck of Madge Undersee's house, awkwardly attempting conversation. Gale had forced her to come, since it was the last party of the year before everyone scattered for college or work and he knew it was now or never with her and Peeta.

_"So," Peeta said, rubbing absently at the back of his neck, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. "You going away to college?"_

_Katniss shook her head, wishing for the millionth time that night that she'd just left her hair in its usual braid instead of letting Madge talk her into leaving it loose and curled softly. "No, I'm going to work."_

_Peeta frowned down at her. "You were valedictorian, Katniss, surely you got scholarships?"_

_Her cheeks heated and she took a deep swallow of the cup Gale'd pressed into her hands as she'd come outside. It burned going down and she nearly choked but the fire spread soothing fingers through her midsection, easing some of the aching agony that his words had inadvertently wrought. "I have to stay here, with Prim," she mumbled before taking another drink._

_"Oh," he said. "I, uh, yeah. I forgot that you're both living with Mr. Abernathy. Is he your relative or something?"_

_She nodded, wishing that a hole would open up and swallow her so she didn't have to talk about this, especially with him. "He was my dad's best friend, and listed as our guardian if anything_ _... anything happened to our parents_.”

_"So, you could still go to school, right? I mean, she's got someone to look out for her. "_

_"No, I'm her family, it's my job," she said vehemently._

_"But-"_

_"You don't know anything," she hissed, anger finally getting the better of her. "What the hell do you know about me at all? I mean really, all you've done is stare at me for the last twelve fucking years; do you think that gives you the right to question my decisions? Fuck you, Peeta Mellark. Fuck you and your perfect life!" Katniss spun on her heel and stomped away from him, tossing the red solo cup off the edge of the deck. Anger speared through her, coating everything with a thick, red haze and she pushed her way through the crowded living room, uncaring of the insults and complaints that were tossed her way as she fought her way to the door. She began running as soon as she cleared the door, legs eating up the road as she tried to put as much distance between herself and the stupid party that she knew she hadn't belonged at._

 

"Katniss?"

She blinked and was suddenly back in the dark garage, standing in the small circle of light that the flashlight threw off. "Sorry," she muttered.

"It's been a really long day." She reached for one of her bags, their fingers brushing. Heat speared through her at his touch and she stepped back, inhaling sharply.

Peeta nodded, pointing the light towards the door and a short flight of steps, ignoring the way she moved away from him, glossing over it like he did with everything else that confused him about her, not acknowledging it made it not exist, right? "I've got some venison chili inside. You're probably freezing," he said softly.

"Thanks," she said, curling her fingers around the handle of the bag he'd set at her feet. "That sounds really good right now. I haven't had venison in forever."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's not really on the menu much in New York City, is it?" Her head jerked up and she stared at him with narrowed eyes. How the fuck had he known she'd been living in New York City?

He flushed a dull red and shook his head, turning towards the door. "C'mon, before we catch cold."

She watched him walk up the short stairs, turning back on the top one to make sure she was following. Their eyes locked once more. This conversation wasn't over, not by a long shot. He knew a hell of a lot more than he should have, for someone she'd excised out of her life five years ago. She lifted the bag and followed him up the steps and into the warm confines of a cozy kitchen filled with whitewashed pine cupboards and gleaming silver appliances.

"Laundry room is just off to the left, along with a bathroom," he said, jerking his head at a darkened alcove. "I've done some remodeling, so things are a bit different. You can leave your wet things in there. I need to run down to the basement and start up the generator so we can have hot water and some light."

He set her suitcase in the middle of the floor and handed the flashlight to her before disappearing into the dark. She heard a door creak open and then heavy footsteps thudding down wooden stairs. The generator kicked on with a throaty roar and Peeta ran back upstairs, flipping on the light to the kitchen.

Katniss squinted in the suddenly bright light; acutely conscious of how ridiculous she must look right at this moment. Her hair was soaked, every article of clothing on her body was wet and she could hear the dripping sound her jeans were making on the tile floor. "I'm gonna go dry off," she mumbled, turning towards the doorway he'd motioned to before he'd gone downstairs.

"Take a shower, there should be plenty of hot water, I haven't been home all day," he said softly, "and the power's only been off for about a half hour or so. I'm going to go change and then get the chili heated up."

Katniss nodded without turning around, her stomach churning with anxiety. She couldn't believe she was in his house, about to get naked _\- again_.


	2. Your name is written on my soul

Katniss stripped off her wet clothing, piling it into the small sink. She stared at herself in the mirror. Long, dark hair framed her face, stick straight and hanging down to her breasts. Grey eyes with sooty black lashes and olive skin that was a shade or four darker than her usual color, given all the time she'd spent out in the hot African sun. A few scars that weren't there five years ago, but all in all she'd been lucky, far luckier than most that had escaped that hellhole. A few patches of shiny pink skin wasn't too high a price to pay for her life.

There was a thick, fluffy towel on the bar over the toilet and she looked under the sink for another one for her hair. Pulling it out, she slung it over the curtain and spun the dial. Water began spilling out of the spigot and she stepped inside, prickles dancing under her skin as the water splashed over her toes. It was warm though and she popped the knob to start the shower, groaning aloud as hot water rained down. She stood under the spray for a good minute, letting the warmth soak into her frozen skin. There was a bottle of shampoo on the ledge and she lifted it, popping the lid to take a whiff. It smelled masculine and citrusy, like Peeta and the smell of it took her back several years to when they'd first gotten back together after he'd returned to town.

_"You smell amazing," Katniss said as she ran her fingers through the fine strands of blonde, smiling as the curls tickled her fingers. She was curled up against him in the big bed in his bedroom, naked as the day she was born, but she didn't feel uncomfortable. Instead, the feeling she most felt was peace, like his arms were the home she'd been seeking for so long._

_"It’s just bodywash," he said, sliding his hand over her hip as he buried his nose in her hair, loose and free around her shoulders. "You're the one that smells amazing, like the woods come to life."_

_Katniss looked up at him, a soft smile tugging at her lips. "Silly."_

_He lifted his head from her hair and shook his head. "I'm serious, if I could bottle it, I'd be rich."_

_"Stop," she said, pushing lightly on his chest. He covered her hand with his, rolling onto his back and taking her with him. She ended up splayed across him, one leg draped over his hips. Her cheeks flamed as she felt him stir beneath her. "Already?"_

_"Always," he breathed, lifting his head to brush his lips against hers._

_"You make me insatiable." His hand slid from her hip to her ass, cupping the firm flesh and rocking up against her._

_She inhaled sharply, desire sending licking tendrils of damp heat spearing between her thighs. Her nails scraped lightly over his chest, the springy hairs tickling the pads of her fingers as she leaned up and traced the line of dark blond curls that arrowed down to his hips. Her fingers curled around the thick length of his cock, stroking just the way she knew he liked it._

_"Damn," he said thickly, swallowing hard. "You're good at that." She glanced over at his lips and then lifted her eyes slowly to his._

_"Practice makes perfect."_

She shook her head, blinking rapidly as the memory faded, leaving a dull twinge of need behind. They'd been so good together; she'd never met another man that had made her body sing the way Peeta Mellark did. Spinning around, she reached for the shampoo and put a dollop in the middle of her hand, rubbing it vigorously through her hair. She wasn't sure how long the hot water would last and he probably wanted a shower too. Standing under the spray, she rinsed it out, wincing as her fingers tangled in the too clean strands. Turning off the shower, she wrung out her hair and bent over, flipping the heavy mass over her head as she wrapped the towel around it. Standing back up, she slid the curtain open and froze, meeting Peeta's surprised gaze. She could feel his eyes moving over the scars across her ribs and over her hip. The towel was hanging right in front of her hand but she couldn't seem to make it move.

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry," he stammered as he backed out of the bathroom, shutting the door firmly. "I was just going to grab your clothes and get them in the washer while you were in there," he said through the door.

As soon as she heard the latch click, she could move again, the temporary paralysis that had come from his wide eyed stare disappearing. Grabbing the towel, she slung it around her body, tucking the tail end tightly in at her breast. Stepping out of the shower, she took a shaky breath, hysterical laughter bubbling in her throat. "It's okay," she said, fighting back the giggles that wanted to erupt. "Not like you haven't seen it before," she said softer, more to herself than to him. It was different now though, they'd lived different lives, fought different battles to get to where they were. There were days where she'd have given anything to not have experienced what she had, but it had shaped her, forged her in a furnace of pain and regret that had only made her stronger and had shown her that life was meant to be lived, mistakes and all. She couldn't regret her past, it'd made her who she was today and if she hadn't nearly died out in those scorching sands, would she have been able to face coming back here, knowing the mess she'd made of things but determined to try? The lessons she'd learned had been painful, but necessary and the only place she had to go now was forward. The past was done, already written, in pain and blood and betrayal but the future was a blank slate, ready to be filled with whatever happened.

She heard him lean against the door and laid her hand on it as he began speaking, just loud enough to carry through the thin wood. "I'm uh; I've got the chili on the table. Do you need anything else?"

"No, I brought clothes in here with me," she said, turning and leaning against the door, giggles still fighting to erupt at the absurdity of the situation. The universe was definitely trying to tell her something. Luckily for her, she'd finally found the tools to be able to listen.

"Oh, okay then, I'll um, yeah," he said. She could hear him walking away from the door, back towards the kitchen. For a second, she was tempted to just unlock the door and go out there in the towel to see what he'd do. _You know what you'd like him to do_ , her conscience snarked. Katniss rolled her eyes. _Yeah, like that was ever going to happen._ Nope, she'd burned that bridge, torched the fucker until even the ashes were destroyed. She'd hurt him too badly, hurt them both. Running away hadn't solved anything, but maybe, just maybe, her returning might.

She dressed quickly, pulling on a pair of sweats that had seen better days and a t-shirt Gale had sent her from one of his sets. Leaving the towel around her hair, she pulled open the bathroom door and stepped out into the short hallway. The washer stood open, ready for her clothes, so she ducked back into the bathroom and picked up the bundle from the sink, walking quickly to the washer and dumping the dripping mass into it. There was soap sitting on a shelf above it, but if she knew Peeta, he'd already have put it in there. Still, better safe than sorry.

"Peeta, did you put soap in the washer?" She called, hand hovering over the jug.

"Yeah, it's all ready to go," he called back and she shook her head, smiling. Predictable to a fault. She shut the washer and pushed the button to start it before going back out into the kitchen. There was a fire going in the brick oven that dominated one wall of the state of the art kitchen and it spread warmth all the way to where she stood. Peeta was at the side of it, stirring a small pot that he held onto with a cheery red potholder. Katniss took a deep breath, a wide smile creasing her face. "You're making hot chocolate?"

He turned to look at her and nodded, pulling the pan away from the heat. "It's your favorite, isn't it?" Her heart thumped as warmth filled her. He did still care, if he was putting in this much effort. She'd come to realize that night in Africa lying there in a puddle of her own blood, that what she and Peeta had was rare, something to be treasured. She'd made many promises that night, as the medics had worked on her, trying to stabilize her enough to get her somewhere they could fix the bullet wound that very well might kill her despite their best efforts; promises not only to herself, but to Peeta, even though she had no way to tell him until now.

The barest hint of a smile curved her lips as she nodded and padded over to the table, the tiles warm under her feet. He must've put in a warming system since the last time she'd been here. Pulling out a chair, she sat down where one of the steaming bowls of chili sat. He'd put out bowls of sour cream and shredded cheese. Taking a bit of both, she picked up her spoon and dug out a big bite, putting it in her mouth after blowing on it a bit. It was heavenly, every bit as good as she remembered his cooking to be.

Peeta came to the table, two steaming mugs in his hands. He set one down in front of her and then moved to the other side of the table and his own bowl of chili. He garnished his bowl and spooned up a heaping portion, eyes darting towards her before he took the bite. He chewed slowly, gaze darting between her face and his bowl.

Katniss set her spoon down after several bites and lifted the mug of chocolate, holding it underneath her nose and inhaling deeply. He'd put a hint of cinnamon in it, the way she'd told him she liked it after spending a summer on a dig in Mexico. She took a delicate sip, the flavor exploding across her tongue. Damn, the good chocolate too, not that mass produced shit that she used to stave off her frequent cravings. Setting the cup down, she stared at him silently. When his gaze found hers once more, she lifted her brow. Something flickered in his eyes - awareness maybe? Whatever it was, it meant she still had a chance, slim though it may be, to make things right between them. "No cheese buns? I'm disappointed Mellark."

He flushed and dropped his gaze, setting his spoon into his nearly empty bowl. Katniss remained silent, waiting him out. He stared at the table for a long time before finally lifting his head, meeting her gaze - guilt blooming across his features. "She called me after the call dropped."

"And how did she know you'd be out and about?" Katniss asked softly, her voice laced with steel. "My living in New York, the route I'd be taking back here. How long have you been in contact with her, Peeta?"

"Since the last time you left."

She stood up, the chair scraping loudly against the tiles. "Five fucking years?" she shouted, pacing the kitchen floor, staring at him every so often. "And neither of you told me?"

Peeta shrugged, picking up his spoon once more. "What's the point; you wouldn't have come back any sooner, right?"

She'd been on the far side of the kitchen when he spoke and she spun around, pinning him with a fierce glare. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

He set his spoon down once more and leaned back in the chair, folding his arms behind his head. "Exactly what it sounds like. If you knew that Prim and I kept in contact, you wouldn't have done anything different than yell at the both of us, right?"

Her gaze narrowed further and she flexed her hands at her side. "And?"

"And what? What the hell do you want from me, Katniss? You left without a word, sneaking off in the middle of the night and disappearing off the face of the earth after we had a pregnancy scare. Can you imagine for. One. Fucking. Minute.  How that felt?" His voice took on a hard edge. "We'd just spent the entire day and half the night fighting over the fact that we might’ve made a baby and I wake up in a fucking motel room alone!" His arms dropped back down to his sides as he stood up so fast the chair fell over. The loud bang made her jump. Peeta stalked towards her, eyes blazing anger. "You left me a fucking note!"

"You knew," she said, taking a step backwards. "You knew I couldn't promise you anything. You said it was okay, you'd take what you could get. I wanted you to be happy and I knew I couldn't give you what you wanted..." Her voice was soft and filled with the tears that she refused to shed .

"Yeah, poor fucking Peeta, always good for a pity fuck from the woman he's been in love with for the last fifteen years."

Her hand cracked soundly against his cheek and he snarled incoherently, fists clenching tightly at his sides. "Truth stings, doesn't it Katniss?" He hissed, spinning on his heel and stalking back to the table. He righted the chair and slumped in it, raking his hands through his hair.

Tears burned her eyes but she swallowed them back, taking a deep breath as she walked slowly across the room to where he sat, head propped up on his hands, fingers speared through the blond curls that her fingers wanted to touch so badly they shook. "I'm sorry," she said softly, giving into the temptation of touching him, brushing a lock of hair away from his forehead. "I'm a bitch for doing this to you, but dammit, I can't let you go. I try and try, burying myself in the nastiest places on earth to try to forget you, but nothing works. Your name is written on my soul, Peeta Mellark."

He lifted his head and rose from the chair, pulling her into his arms in one motion, lips crashing down on hers as he lifted her against his body, the hard evidence of his arousal pushing hotly against her stomach.

She wound her arms around his neck and kissed him back fiercely; pouring everything she couldn't say into the kiss, reveling in the feel of him against her after so long. Lips, tongues and teeth clashed in a kiss so scorching hot that she wasn't sure how the room around them didn't spontaneously combust from the heat. One big hand cupped the back of her head, tilting it just so, and the other splayed across her ass, pulling her up tighter against him.

She broke the heady kiss, pulling back to stare into eyes dilated with need. "Take me to bed, Peeta," she breathed.

He inhaled sharply. "If I do, are you going to be here in the morning?"

A slow, sensual smile curved her lips. "Yes, you've got the only transportation, remember?"

"Remind me to hide the fucking keys," he muttered, sliding his hands beneath her legs, picking her up fully.

Katniss wound her legs around his waist, nearly purring with satisfaction as his hard cock rubbed against her center. "You're going to make me come if you walk any faster," she breathed into the curve of his neck, punctuating her words with a sharp nip from her teeth on his leaping pulse.

He groaned long and low and picked up the pace, long legs eating up the space between the kitchen and the hallway. He took the stairs two at a time, hands squeezing her ass every time she moaned. He felt so fucking good, hard and thick pressed up against her. She slid her hand between them, cupping the big bulge and massaging it gently. "I want you inside of me, Peeta, pinning me to the bed, making me scream," she panted against his neck.

"Katniss, m'gonna fuck you so hard," he groaned, pushing her up against the wall and laying another hot, wet kiss on her. She ground down on his cock, their tongues dueling, her hands tangled in his curls, his cupping her ass, lifting her up and down against him.

Her hands slid down, gliding over his shoulders, nails digging into the hard muscles. "Get me in bed or I'm going to fuck you right here against the wall," she panted, breaking away from the torment of his lips.

He released her legs and she slid down the front of him, hissing as her sweats rode up, teasing against her clit. "Race you," she teased, stepping back and darting up the remaining stairs, shedding her t-shirt and sweats as she ran.

He followed right on her heels, his own clothes forming a trail along the stairs and down the hallway. By the time she reached his room, she was only in her panties. He kicked his jeans and boxers free and scooped her up, stalking into the bedroom and kicking the door shut behind them.

Tossing her on the bed, he covered her body with his, big hands dragging down her panties and throwing them over his shoulder. Scooting her up, he blazed a trail of hot, biting kisses down her torso, tongue swirling into the hollow of her hip, nose nuzzling against the damp curls between her thighs. "Need to taste you," he breathed against her pussy right before his tongue slid through the slick folds, spearing deep into her.

"Oh fuuuuuck, Peetaaaaaaaa," she drawled as ecstasy crashed through her, her hips jerking up off the bed. He slammed an arm across them, sucking her clit into the dense heat of his mouth. Her hands fisted the bedcovers as he slipped two fingers deep inside, curling them to hit her g-spot. He sucked hard with every thrust and her hips lifted in sync, the orgasm rolling through her with the force of a tidal wave.

He licked her until she couldn't breathe, so sensitive that she thought she was going to die. Lifting his head, he climbed up her body, lying between her thighs. "Look at me," he said lowly.

Katniss lifted her head, staring into the eyes of the man that knew her better than she knew herself. "What do you want, Katniss?"

She could feel him, hard and hot against her thigh and it made her insides clench with need. "You, I want you."

"Who?"

She knew what he wanted, but she refused to give it to him, lifting her hips and grinding against him. "You, inside of me."

"Not good enough," he said intently, licking his lips, finger teasing over the tight nub of her nipple. He tweaked it hard and she moaned, bliss shooting through her in a straight line directly to her pussy. _Damn him._

"Tell me what I want to hear," he said, moving to the other nipple and bending his head, teeth closing around the tight nubbin. Pleasure pain arced hotly, damp heat building between her thighs.

Lifting her hands, she speared her fingers through his curls, jerking just hard enough to lift his gaze to hers once more. "Peeta, I want you to _fuck_ me."

He groaned, hands fisting beside her head. Slowly and deliberately, he pushed into her, her mouth opening on a soft _oh_ as the hot coil of tension built swiftly again, her walls clenching tightly around his thick cock.

"Mine," he grunted as he drove deep, pinning her to the bed with each hard, heavy thrust of his hips.

"Yours," she echoed, nails scrabbling against his back as fire consumed her from within, spreading out from her center, licking hotly along each nerve ending until she felt like a live wire, spinning out of control.

"Always," he panted, body straining, sweat beading on his forehead and dripping onto her chest.

"Oh! Yes, oh fuck yes, Peeta!" She screamed as another wave crashed over her, dragging her down into the depths, her mind a haze of white hot ecstasy, colors searing against her closed lids as she fought for consciousness under the onslaught.

Three more hard, ungainly thrusts and he was right there with her, collapsing atop her with a harsh groan. Her arms immediately banded around him, refusing to let him roll off to the side. She relished his weight atop her too much to let him go so soon, her calves curling over top of his, toes tracing a line down his hair covered leg.

"M'heavy," he said softly, brushing her sweaty hair back from her face.

"Shut up," she replied, leaning up to kiss the tip of his nose.


	3. We ain't no good for anyone else

"You've gotten a lot better at that," Katniss said as she leaned back against the headboard, watching Peeta walk around the room, picking up their scattered clothing.

He turned to look at her. "Did you expect me to be celibate?"

She blinked at the harshness of his tone. "Well no, of course not," she said, picking idly at a thread on the blue comforter. "I... shit, I shouldn't have said anything."

Peeta dropped the clothes in the hamper and came to sit on the bed, staring at her. "How many, Katniss?"

Her startled gaze flew to his. "What?"

"How many?" he repeated slowly.

She narrowed her eyes. "How many what?"

He sighed. "How many other men have you been fucking since you left?" And okay, they were going there apparently. Fine. She squared her shoulders, and tried for a nonchalant look. "Two."

He rolled his eyes. "Two?"

She glared. Clearly nonchalant wasn't working. "Yes, two. You're a hard man to forget Peeta Mellark."

"Obviously not, if it took you five years to find your way back here again." He stood up and stretched, the hem of his boxers slipping down to rest on his hips. "I'm still hungry; I'm going downstairs to get some more chili."

She watched him walk out of the room and heard him going down the stairs. How did they get to this?

_"Katniss, get in the truck."_

_She stared resolutely ahead, pushing her rain soaked hair out of her eyes. Of course the heavens had decided to open the minute she'd started running from that stupid party. Her luck never changed._

_Peeta'd followed her out of the party and by the time she was halfway down the block had gotten into his truck and was now keeping pace with her. She refused to even look at him, too angry and embarrassed. She'd messed everything up - as usual._

_"Katniss, you're soaked, please get in the truck," he pleaded through the open passenger window, the truck keeping pace with her angry stride._

_She turned her head finally, staring at him coldly as she stopped. "Go away; I'm not your problem to fix."_

_She started walking again and he cursed, throwing the truck into park before getting out, leaving it idling on the side of the road. His longer legs closed the scant distance between them quickly and he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up and cradling her against his chest._

_His hand slid beneath her knees as she struggled against him. "Put me down," she demanded angrily, swatting at his shoulder._

_"No," he grunted, wincing as her small fist glanced off his jaw. "Not until I get you in the truck and out of this damn rain."_

_She turned her head to glare at him. "I'm not staying there and I will hurt you if you try to make me."_

_He shrugged and continued to walk back to the truck. "Fine, hurt me," he said resolutely as they neared where the truck sat. "Doesn't change the fact that you're going to listen to me for once."_

_"You're not my keeper," she snarled, struggling mightily to free herself._

_He only tightened his arms, locking her against his broad chest. "No, I'm not," he agreed, grunting as her elbow connected with his stomach. "But you don't get to judge me and then run off, that's not fair."_

_"Fair?" she sneered, pushing her hair out of her face again. "Life isn't fucking fair."_

_"Correct again, but if you have all the facts, you might make a different decision," he said, pulling open the door of the truck and setting her inside. "Now, will you give me ten damn minutes to talk to you and then I promise, I'll take you wherever you want to go, or even let you back out into the fucking rain if you're that pigheaded?"_

_Folding her arms across her chest, she gave him a curt nod. He stared at her for a long moment, the rain pouring down on him as she sat protected. Whatever he saw in her gaze seemed to satisfy him and he closed the door and ran around to the driver's side, jumping in and pulling the door shut behind him._

They'd ended up talking for the rest of the night, discovering that their lives were more similar than either had realized. From that moment on, they were inseparable - sharing a bed and their lives until the end of the summer came and it was time for him to go off to South Bend and Notre Dame for his football scholarship.

She can remember so clearly how much it hurt to let him go, knowing that he'd move on with his life and she'd still be stuck in this too small town. Peeta'd gotten his father to give her a job so they could spend even more time together, and once he'd left, his brother Davin delighted in showing her pictures and texts that Peeta sent of the cute girls he was meeting. Of course he never mentioned them in his letters or phone calls to her, but Davin kept her well informed. There was one that made her blood boil. Cashmere. _Seriously? Who the fuck names their daughter after yarn?_ Apparently there was a tradition at Notre Dame where the cheerleaders and color guard "adopted" the football team for the season and Cashmere had chosen Peeta, a freshman, over her senior linebacker boyfriend. Davin had gone up for a weekend to visit his younger brother and came home with about a million pictures of the stunning blonde hanging all over Peeta including one of her posing in a navy lingerie set that looked like it cost more than Katniss could earn in a year. She'd broken up with him the next day, calling him and leaving a curt voice mail. She'd quit the bakery that same day, lining up a job at the mines that paid less but didn't have the constant reminder of what could've been hanging over it.

He'd called her about a million times and when Thanksgiving break had rolled around, tracked her down at Abernathy's house, demanding that she speak to him. She'd closed the door in his face and threw the deadbolt, hiding in her room the rest of the night while Haymitch chased him off with the shotgun. She'd left town a week before he got his leg broken so badly he'd never play ball again.

Katniss sighed deeply. That's how they'd gotten here, because she'd never believed that he would've chosen her over the gorgeous, leggy blonde cheerleader, or anyone else that had tried to get close to him. Throwing the covers back, she slipped out of the bed and padded over to the laundry hamper, pulling out the shirt he'd been wearing and slipping it over her head. It smelled like him and tears pricked her eyes at how good that felt. The shirt fell to mid-thigh and she smiled, deliberately walking out of the room without anything else on. Whatever other problems they had, sex wasn't one of them and she knew that he wasn't finished with her yet, he had years of frustration to work through .

She had used and abused her relationships with others as a way to distance herself from the pain and ease her loss. Sebastian Wrottesley had given her a distraction and a much needed shoulder to cry on. Finnick Odair had been both a friend and a way to keep from sinking into the black hole that being away from Peeta had opened up in her soul. They couldn't make her forget. No one could do that. It was time she faced the consequences of her actions, it was time to make right what she'd wronged.

He was sitting at the table, eating steadily, a thick book propped in his hands when she came into the kitchen. He glanced at her over the top of his book and then went right back to eating, leaving her to her own devices. Walking to the table, she sat down across from him, a smile ghosting over her lips as she realized he'd reheated her chili for her. Taking the spoon, she sprinkled cheese liberally over the top of the bowl and garnished it with a big dollop of sour cream. She lifted the spoon and took a bite, chewing slowly as she stared over at him, reacquainting herself with his features. His hair was shaggy, in need of a trim because it kept falling into his eyes and he pushed it away impatiently. The firm jaw that she loved to lick and kiss when they were lying in bed together. There were a few more wrinkles at the corner of his eyes, but she thought they only made him look better. Thirty-three looked good on him, she finally decided. He'd been gorgeous at eighteen, but now, with the passage of time he'd only gotten more handsome. His spoon clanked in the empty bowl and he looked up, gaze locking with hers. He knew it was coming, she could see the way his shoulders tensed. Even now, she could read him so easily. "How many?"

He pursed his lips and stared at her for so long she started to fidget. When he finally answered, her stomach dropped to her feet. "Four."

"One a year, or all at once?" she asked crassly, stung. _Four? Damn, that hurt ._

"Fuck you," he replied calmly, standing up and taking his bowl to the sink. He washed it quickly and set it into the drainer to dry, hands curling around the edge of the sink as he stared out into the night. The rain was still coming down and she could hear the wind howling against the house but none of that concerned her. They were safe in here; the creek would never rise up this high. They might be stuck here for a few days, which depending on how this argument ended could be good or bad.

She turned in the chair to look at him. "Four?"

"Do you want details?"

Her hands clenched into fists. Of course she wanted details! This is what they did, wasn't it? Etched their mistakes and pain on each other's souls? "Who?"

She could hear him sigh all the way across the room. "Glimmer, Delly, Leevy Cutler and someone you wouldn't know."

Fucking Glimmer! One of these days she was going to punch that slag, teach her to find her own man. The rest were unsurprising, there wasn't much choice in a town this small and Peeta would've been the prized stud that she'd stupidly let get away. "Did you love any of them?"

He turned around to face her finally, pain etched into every line of his face. "I tried. Even got to the point of living together with Delly, but she realized pretty quickly that it wasn't going to work out long term."

"When?"

He shook his head, gaze dropping to the floor again as he leaned back against the counter. "It ended last year, since then there's been no one else." His gaze lifted and she knew it was her turn to bleed. "How long?"

It was her turn to sigh. "A friend in Paris right after I left and a doctor, four years ago, not long after I got to Africa."

"Did you love them?" The question was rife with tension and she could see his hands clenched tightly on the edge of the counter.

Katniss shrugged, there was only one reason she hadn’t pursued anyone with real relationship potential.  Finnick had been the closest, but there was too much between them, the pain from the past was too visceral to ever get past. "They weren't you."

"You didn't ask me to use anything, should I assume you're still on the pill?"

She stared at him, a flush tingeing her cheeks. "No, I quit taking them after I got to Africa, too hard to get them over there."

His hands clenched tightly on the edge of the counter again. "So, you let me come inside of you without any protection?"

She shrugged, twining her fingers together in her lap. "Yeah."

The tension in the air ratcheted up to nuclear instantly at her admission.

"And you're going to let me do it again?"

She nodded slowly. This is why she'd come home, why she'd left Africa behind forever. The chance that maybe, possibly there was something left of the mess she'd left.

"Why?"

Katniss took a deep breath; she'd known this was coming. Time to lay her cards on the table, all of them, even the ones that she'd never admitted even to herself. "When I was in Africa, I saw things that no human should ever have to witness." She took another deep breath, fingers clenched tightly together in front of her. "You can't imagine the suffering, or the pain of watching children starving and drinking filthy water just because that's all there is." He moved closer, leaning against the island as she spoke and she took another shuddering breath, fighting back the tears that pricked her eyes, trying desperately to keep them at bay until she'd said it all. He needed to know the truth, every ugly, painful scrap that she'd been carrying around for the past five years since she'd left him that note. "But through it all, they still have hope. Hope that things will get better and it's not always going to be this way and it made me realize that you're the one person in the world that gives me that feeling. It's why I keep coming back to you, every single time. You give me hope that my life isn't as fucked up as it seems and that things could be different if I just let them."

"And the birth control?"

She turned her head to look up at him. "I thought that's what you wanted?” s h e asked.

Silence stretched between them, fraught with tension. He finally nodded, fingers clenching tightly around the edge of the counter, as if tethering himself to something would make the words easier to say. "I do, but only if you do too. I can't do that again, Katniss. I barely managed to put myself together again from the last time."

She smiled gently, the tears she'd held off for so long spilling down her cheeks. "If there was anyone who I'd want to bring a child into this world with, it'd be you."

Peeta swallowed hard. "That's good to hear."

"I thought about that day for a long time after I left," she said, sinking down onto the chair behind her as her legs gave out. "I kept having dreams, of you..." her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "And the baby." Opening her eyes, she lifted her head and met his gaze. "He was so beautiful, blond haired and grey eyed." Another agonized breath. "I wanted him so badly, I couldn't think of anything else."

Tears slid down his cheeks and he wavered, pushing and leaning against the counter, but staying where he was, letting her finally let go of the guilt she'd carried for so long. "I couldn't ever touch him though; it was like there was a wall between us. You loved him so much, and I wanted to be a part of it, but I didn't know how." The tears were coming harder now, and she could barely see him through the haze of them coating her eyes.

Lifting her hands, she buried her face in them, sobbing brokenly. His hands closed over hers and he pulled her off the chair, into his lap, falling back on the floor as he rocked back and forth, crying with her. She curled her arms around his neck, burying her face in his chest. He laid his cheek on her hair and they mourned together what could've been.

When they were both spent, tears finally drying, he lifted her chin with one long finger, staring deeply into her eyes. They'd turned the corner, braved the pain and hurt and come out the other side, stronger for it.

They climbed awkwardly to their feet, fingers twining together as naturally as they breathed. He stared into her eyes and she nodded, answering the silent question. She needed him, needed to feel his body against hers, easing the hurt and soothing the pain, making new memories to replace the ones that were raw and painful to think about.

He inclined his head towards the hall and she smiled, nodding. It wasn't like earlier, when she thought she'd die if she couldn't feel him inside of her. This was a slow burn, flickering hotly somewhere in her center, coiling outward to lick and tease. He turned and led them down the hall, taking each stair slowly. Katniss watched as he walked in front of her, her mouth going dry at the flex and pull of muscle beneath his skin.

When they got into his room and he'd shut the door behind them, she reached for the hem of the shirt she wore, pulling it up and over her head, tossing it towards the hamper.

His breath expelled on harsh groan as he dropped to his knees in front of her, lifting one leg over his shoulder as he buried his face in the damp curls at the apex of her thighs. She gasped as his lips closed around her clit, tongue flicking against the sensitive nub. "Peeta, your leg," she said, clutching his hair as he licked and sucked.

"M'fine," he grunted against her skin, the vibration of his words sending a bolt of heat spearing through her.

"No," she gasped, pulling on his shoulders, trying to get him up.  His fingers found hers and he used her as leverage to rise slowly to his feet, wincing when he put his full weight on his bad leg. He walked them slowly backwards towards the bed, easing her down when her knees hit the mattress, covering her body with his own.

Katniss grinned up at him, sliding her hands through the thick curls that she loved so much.

He slid down her body, gently pushing her thighs wider as he settled between them. "You taste so fucking good," he breathed against her pussy before diving back in to where he was before. Her hips rocked up from the bed as he slipped two fingers inside of her, pumping in time with his nibbles on her clit. She shouted his name when he added a third, flattening his tongue over her and licking from her opening to her clit, worrying the tiny nub with his lips and tongue, bliss rocketing through her with lightning speed.  Fire consumed her, burning her from the inside out, crackling hotly along every nerve ending until she was a writhing mass beneath his talented tongue. Two, three, four orgasms later and she colllapsed back against the bed, eyes closed as she fought to find some sort of equilibrium. He crawled slowly back up her body, his cock pressing against her thigh.

Lifting her head, she watched him through slitted eyes as he reached between them, guiding himself to her entrance. Her breath hitched as he slid inside, stretching her to the point of pain, but it felt so good, so right that she nearly cried.

When he was fully seated, hipbones pressing into hers, he framed her face with his hands, staring down into her eyes. She opened hers and their gazes locked as he pulled out and thrust back in, moving her up the bed with the force of it.

"None of them were you," he said softly, hips moving steadily against hers. "Every time, I'd see your face, not theirs and know that you were it for me, the only one I'll ever love."

She shook her head, the tears that had gathered finally spilling over and slipping down her cheeks. "Why?" she sobbed, hands clutching at his biceps as he moved within her, tension coiling hot and hard in her belly, radiating outward like a shockwave.

His brow furrowed and he stilled his movements, thumbs gently wiping the tears from her cheeks. "Why what? Why do I love you?"

She shook her head. "No. Why do you keep letting me come back?

He bent his head, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. "Because it's where you belong," he said against them, licking lightly along the seam. She parted them and he deepened the kiss, tongues tangling as slowly and intimately as their bodies. He began to move again, hard, deep thrusts that pressed her back against the bed, stoking the fire that he'd built before. Her entire body felt tight, pushing towards the precipice. When he shifted, she flew, bliss radiating outwards from where they were joined, searing through her.

"That's it baby, come for me," he panted raggedly, movements becoming more erratic as her sheath fluttered and tugged at his cock. He came with her name on his lips, hips pumping hard against hers.

He rolled to his side, immediately gathering her close, tucking her leg between his, her head beneath his chin as they fought for breath. Katniss closed her eyes, breathing deeply. He was right, this was where she belonged. Even now, fifteen years after the first time they'd done this, his arms still felt like the one place in the world she belonged. Leaning up on her elbow, she stared down at him, tracing the line of his nose with her finger. Blue eyes met hers and she smiled, bending closer to rub her nose against his. "Aren't you tired of this?" she asked softly, heart clenching painfully in anticipation of his answer.

"Being with you?" At her nod, he shook his head. "Never."

She bit her lip, running the backs of her fingers along his stubble laden jaw. "Don't you ever¼" She stared at the hollow of his throat, watching the tick of his pulse.

"Don't I ever?" he asked, pulling her from her reverie.

Her eyes lifted to meet his once more. "Don't you ever want more?"

He sat up; staring at her so intently she thought she might die. "Do you?" he asked lowly.

Katniss sat up fully, drawing her knees closer. She'd never felt more vulnerable in her life than she did at this moment. "I asked you first."

He frowned, reaching for her hand and squeezing it tightly. "Don't be an asshole," he said softly. "You know what I want; it's what I've always wanted. You, Katniss. I want you in my bed, in my arms and in my life."

She sighed raggedly. "Why?" she pressed. "What keeps you from making a life with Delly who I'm sure would cut off her right arm to be right here where I am? Or someone else, someone who doesn't know all of our painful past and could love you for just you?"

"I don't love Delly," he said firmly, "or anyone else." She could see the shiny film of tears glazing his eyes and it made her heart clench painfully. "I love _you_ , Katniss Everdeen, you know that." He ran his fingers lightly over her thigh. "You've known it for fifteen years if not longer."

"I do know," she said, more tears spilling down her cheeks.

He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "So, I'll ask you again, do you want more?"

She leaned back to look at him, her heart in her eyes. "Yes."

"You're not¼" He swallowed hard. "You're not fucking with me, are you? "

Katniss shook her head. "No. It's pretty much the only thing I've been thinking about the past few months. I tried to get over you, tried to forget you but nobody comes close and it hurts being away from you. You've owned my heart for a long time now, Peeta Mellark and it's only right that you should know it. I know I've hurt you," she took another shuddering breath. "Hurt us, but I want to try."

He nodded, bending his head to brush his lips lightly against hers. "I want to try too.”

She grinned against his lips, sliding her arms around his neck. He kissed her senseless, peppering her face with kisses before capturing her lips in a deep wet one that made her toes curl.

She laughed softly as they broke apart, desperate for air. "It's you, Peeta. It's always been you. It just took me forever to realize it. I love you, Peeta Mellark."

A wide grin split his face. "Say it again."

She gave him a matching smile. "I love you, Peeta Mellark."

He kissed her, framing her face with his hands. "I'm never going to get tired of hearing that, you know this, right?"

She nodded. "I know. Truth be told, she was never going to get tired of saying it, either. Turns out you can find home again, especially if home is in the arms of the man you love more than life itself.

**Author's Note:**

> I have re-edited and added in new bits, fleshing out some things and making this story line up with the timeline that was established with the subsequent stories. This wouldn't have been possible without the help of Jennagill, who has gone above and beyond in helping me fix not only the continuity errors, but also in helping me keep the details straight.  
> Thank you to everyone that has read this and the rest of the Finding Home series, bookmarking it, leaving kudos and commenting. I had no intentions of this ever becoming the  
> monster it has but I am forever grateful for the support and suggestions that have made it what it is. This story is one of my very favorite things I have written. Thank you to the members of this fandom that have welcomed me and helped my stories find a home here, both the ones I've met and the ones I have not .


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